A couple of nights ago hubby and I went out on a rare date night (something we of course did a bit more reguarly before baby). Up to London to see a band and have a bite to eat. Nothing out of the ordinary, and a night that gave him a chance remember that I’m not always in trackie bottoms, covered in baby poo, or sticky fingerprints from my toddler, and that I did, in fact, have long hair that occasionally gets let down! Reminiscent of the times ‘before baby’ (or what we would call pre-S)!
Anyway, during a particularly slow ballad that said band were singing, I found myself with tears streaming down my face, thinking about my little girl, all 3.5 years of her! The background image behind the band playing on the screen was that of a fertilized human egg developing! And that was it, I was a gonner!
I played over in my head the many months of being disappointed when mother nature did her worst instead of the precious lines appearing on the pee stick. And then after 2 rounds of failed IVF, number 3 worked, and 15 Clear Blue packs later, I was 100% pregnant! What I didn’t know about conception and fertility at that time wasn’t worth knowing, and whilst that was all running through my head it struck me…. From that moment on, everything in my world changed. I, and sadly hubby had been demoted to 2nd place, and this little fertilized egg, that didn’t even yet have a heartbeat was my entire world and filled every spare space in my head.
And there she was…
Fast forward to 3 years later, and like all mums out there, we cannot imagine our lives without our babies! But it does make me wonder, what on earth did with think about before them? Did I have vast pockets of emptiness in my brain just waiting to be filled? When I got home from work and wondered why I had no time to do anything (in between laying in the bath for half an hour, before applying a full face of makeup and heading out for the night). What did I know! As most people with kids over the age of 2 know, you are very unlikely to pee by yourself anymore. All those months of you longing to hear the word mummy, would occasionally be traded for one day that they accidentally forget your name, and as for wearing heels… pah, who needs to be 4 inches taller anyway!!!
If you think about it, you soon begin to realise that most waking minutes of the day, you are thinking about them in some form or another. When my eyes open in the morning, just as I begin to realise how bloody tired I am and is it really only 6.45am, I am on high alert, is she awake, has she made it through another night, can I breathe a large sigh of relief? When will I stop worrying about that?
Right, let’s get up and make her some milk, I wonder what she would like for breakfast today, are those trousers that she wears to pre-school in the wash still? Did I buy any squeezy yoghurts to go in her lunchbox? And so it begins… throughout the day, even when I’m working, she rarely leaves my thoughts for long. Always a constant list of things to do, and worries to deepen the frown lines.
And still, whilst I am sat here writing, she cries out, and run like Usain Bolt (just with slightly shorter legs) up the stairs 2 at a time, to comfort her and wipe her tears, and wonder what her bad dream is about!
And as she heads back into sleep for the next few hours, we wearily drag our un-toned bums up to bed, unlikely to get a full night of restful sleep, and as we lay our heads on our pillows, that magic list pops up! What needs doing tomorrow!!
This is being a mum, and 100% the best and worst part of it! Can you remember going back to those days when what you were going to wear out that weekend was your main focus? Would you change it? Of course not, but maybe just the odd lay in every now and then would be a treat!
I remind myself at the end of every day, no matter how angelic or naughty she’s been, that I am so very lucky. I know that the struggle is real, 1 in 6 couples now fail to conceive in the ‘standard timeframe’ and for some, it never happens. And for those couples, my heart is truly heavy!
But if you are sat reading this, and you are nurturing a growing bump, nursing a crying newborn, or ironing the school uniforms for next week, remember what a gift you have and congratulate yourself for being such a superhero!
Image above from the very talented Katy from Amor-Amor Photography
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